ODD mom moments

“I’m sorry you’re upset,” I said in the most calming voice I could muster while trying to quench the frustration burning in my belly, “But you need to give Miriam her necklace.”

“I’m just looking at it. Can’t I even look?” Aurora sassed as she walked up the stairs carrying Miriam’s new necklace. It was a present she had received for Christmas only a week earlier.

“No, she said she’d like it back. Please hand it over,” I demanded as I followed her into her room.

Aurora climbed onto her bed and burrowed into her covers. 

“Aurora, hand me the necklace,” I said with more force.

She just exploded. “You are always on Miriam’s side! Why aren’t you ever on my side?”

“Hand me the necklace.”

“FIIIINNNNE!” she screamed and threw the necklace.

I picked it up and walked toward her to give her a hug. 

She looked up at me and said, “Then let me wear yours.” 

She reached out and grabbed the gold herringbone necklace that I had received for Christmas. I loved that necklace. As she grabbed it and pulled hard, the chain bent and unraveled. It was ruined. 

Aurora looked up at me with tears in her eyes and immediately said, “I’m sorry.”

Now, an “I’m sorry” from Aurora is a big deal because it is so very rare. 

I stared at her. I let her see the hurt in my eyes, but I just said, “Well, I guess let’s just put it in the trash.”

I don’t make my kids say sorry. I know, I know, all you moms are shaking your heads thinking, This lady does not know how to raise kids properly. And ya’ll are probably right…sometimes. But this is one area where I think I will just continue to go against the norm. 

Aurora only says sorry if she really is sorry and only if she is not embarrassed. She will not apologize if she thinks a person deserves the punishment she has inflicted. She is so very literal that she will not say she is sorry and not mean it. She will also not apologize if she doesn’t think something is her fault. If she is in a situation where she causes a problem, and she recognizes that it was her fault, she will say sorry…probably. Even I can’t predict what she’s always going to do. 

So if Aurora has an altercation with a friend, I will not stand next to her and demand that she apologize before we can move on. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that apologizing is important. But I have chosen to teach that through suggestion and example. I apologize all the time, and instead of, “You have to say sorry,” I am much more likely to say, “It would probably help your friend feel better if you could apologize for whatever part you played in upsetting her.” And then we go on with our day.

She generally becomes mute at my suggestions. However, I find that forcing any child to apologize is something we do as parents to make ourselves feel like we have done something to solve a problem. Does a forced sorry mean anything if the child is not sorry? With Aurora I guess I will never know because I have never been able to force her ODD nature to apologize. Trying to make her apologize creates resentment, more anger, and a bigger problem than the one with which we started. 

Concerning the broken necklace, however, she did recognize she did wrong, she felt sorry, and she apologized. She took responsibility for her action through at least acknowledging her wrong. 

Sometimes, though, she won’t even acknowledge her part in a problem. 

One morning I woke Aurora up so we could start school. She was nine, and we had been homeschooling for seven months.

I immediately noticed an unpleasant smell in her room. As she shifted, I realized that she had actually wet the bed. Now, at this point in her life, she was well past bed-wetting days. I wasn’t really concerned. It was just an unusual accident. However, I did have years of experience with children wetting the bed, so I did what I always did and said, “Let’s get this cleaned up, shall we?” 

Aurora, seeming to have just realized what had happened, said, “That’s not pee.”

I stared at her in confusion.

“It is. It’s fine. Let’s clean it up,” I answered.

“It’s not. Someone must have dumped water on my bed.”

What? Really? I stared at her again, now in astonishment.

“Your underwear is wet, too.”

“Someone must have poured water on my underwear, too,” she said.

I didn’t really know what to say, but I’m sure I rolled my eyes. She was clearly embarrassed, but this was just ridiculous. 

“Umm…ok,” was all I said and proceeded to clean up the mess.

She refused to take responsibility.

Responsibility. It is a big word. 

As a result of ADHD, Aurora is rather behind her peers in acting responsibly, accepting responsibility for her actions, and carrying a high level of responsibility. One of the reasons I homeschool Aurora is to help her learn these skills in a more developmentally appropriate and controlled setting. Fabricating situations to help her learn responsibility can be tricky, so I usually try to take advantage of opportunities as they arise.

Once a month or so Ike and I manage to escape our beautiful home and family for a night out. We have been blessed to be able to find very patient babysitters over the years. Unfortunately, all of our children struggled with being with a babysitter at some point. Xander, our youngest, was not an exception. One evening Ike and I left to catch the latest Marvel movie, leaving our children with a neighbor youth. We had turned on a video for the kids before we left, knowing that it would distract Xander enough that our leaving would not cause any tears. Once the movie was over and he had to go to bed, however, he started screaming for his parents. The babysitter stayed calm and tried to soothe him, but he would not be soothed. Aurora stepped in. She offered to read books to Xander to help him calm down. It worked. He calmed as she read and eventually fell asleep.

After that, Aurora always offered to put Xander to sleep for the babysitter. She connected well with him. She was just so good at helping to feel happy, and she loved being able to have a positive influence on somebody.

As my children got older, I was able to rely more on my oldest, Matthew, to babysit. Aurora did not like that very much. Matthew and Aurora are only eighteen months apart in age. Aurora does not like taking orders from her brother. I can understand this, but at the same time, I don’t think she is developmentally ready to be left alone. So we figured out a compromise. When Matthew babysat, Aurora was still in charge of putting Xander to bed. She was also in charge of the dog. This way she had a responsibility and I still felt comfortable with the situation.

Aurora yearns for independence. She is the least likely of all of my children to ask for help or advice. She will try anything. Teaching her to be responsible is of vital importance, therefore. I sign her up for hands on classes and sports. I let her cook in the kitchen. Whenever possible I step back and allow her to take charge. And she is learning. She is learning that she has the power to help others be happier. She is learning to apologize. She is learning that if you accidentally double the flour in a recipe, then the cookies don’t stick together. She is a bit low on the learning curve, but she is learning something of responsibility.