ODD mom moments

Around the time we began therapy with Aurora we began experimenting with her diet a little to see if anything would affect her behavior. We tried eliminating various things like sugar, red food dye, and gluten. We tried adding various things like fish oil and blueberries. We saw very little change. So about three months in, at the suggestion of her therapist, we started Aurora on an anti-depressant.

Here’s the thing. My side of the family has a VERY extensive history of anxiety and depression. Grandparents, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. We can’t escape it. I myself have dealt with severe depression after each of my babies. So I can’t blame the poor psychologist that was working with Aurora for thinking we ought to try anti-depressants.

The problem was, they didn’t work. Ok, well, maybe they worked a little at first, and maybe they took off the edge a little. I am not sure. Here’s the thing about anti-depressants, though: they can take a very long time to have any effect, so you have to sit and wait for weeks hoping that something will happen, watching for any sort of change. If she had a good day I would think, “Yes, it’s finally working!” But bad days continued to occur. Lots of them.

About seven months into therapy her therapist suggested we have Aurora tested for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). I wasn’t ready to do a full psych evaluation at this point. Ok, actually I wasn’t ready to pay for a full psych evaluation at this point. Luckily her school counselor could do in-class observations which could give us an idea of whether or not she was dealing with attention issues. These observations were done over about three months during her first-grade year.

The results of the counselor’s observations were fascinating to me. She would sit in the classroom unannounced, and she would watch 8 different children, including Aurora. Every two minutes she marked whether each child was doing the teacher prescribed task or not. While doing something the class found engaging, Aurora was on task 60% of the time. The others were on task an average of 80% of the time. While doing something mundane (cleaning out desks), Aurora was on task 20% of the time. The others were on task 70% of the time.

While the school counselor could not diagnose Aurora, she recommended we learn more about ADHD and speak with our pediatrician about possible medication. At this point I realized we needed to get some more definitive answers. I set up an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialized in ADHD and was recommended to me by a friend. I finally did a full psych evaluation and we received the diagnoses we were expecting: ADHD and ODD.

With a diagnosis we were able to begin working to find a medication that helped Aurora. Yes, we chose medication again. We also did blood work and found out she is gluten intolerant. We also did a sleep test to rule out related sleep issues. Ike and I made the decision to medicate a matter of prayer. I felt strongly that this was the best choice for her as did he. I wish I could say it was easy from there. We did a trial of an ADHD medication that made her even more grumpy, unable to sleep, and suppressed her appetite. Well, that obviously was not a good fit. And we had a VERY long month to figure that out.

One day during this pretty rotten month I was making dinner around 4:30 and my children were fighting and whining. You know that hour right before dinner? The witching hour. Everyone is hungry and lacking energy. If it is a weekday, it is after school when I try to get the kids to do homework, but all they really want is another snack. Right before dinner…even though they already had a snack.

Well, all my children were whining, and I was getting frustrated. Usually when my children whine, I try to say something like, “I listen to nice voices,” or “Fix your voice,” or “Try that again with a nice voice.” This helps me to be patient because I have an immediate response to the whining. Aurora, however, had always struggled with this concept. We worked on the tone of her voice and the words she used. She rarely could get both of them. On this day Aurora could not stop. She nagged and cried and kept it up for a good long while. Finally, I was fed up with my Aurora’s whining. I turned to her and yelled, “AAHHHH. Aurora! Use a nice voice!”

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

Or on her.

She turned to me with all of her sass and said, “You need to use a nice voice.”

We tried another medication after that month that helped with her focus and attitude, but still affected her appetite and sleep. We finally fixed upon a fast release (short acting) medication that could help her focus during school hours, but wore off in the afternoon so she would still eat and be able to sleep at night. This seemed to work for her, but I felt as if we were tightrope walking across the air. We had created a delicate balance, and it wouldn’t take much to make her wobble and then tumble.

After many months on this medication, however, we began to breathe a little more deeply. After what seemed like an eternity (but was only a few years) we were finally seeing some progress.

I tell this rather long, windy story of how we got to a diagnosis so you all can recognize some of the difficulties parents face when their child suffers from a mental illness. For us there was no one right way to figure things out. And there still isn’t. Invisible challenges are sometimes more frustrating than the visible ones. People see snippets of other people’s lives. And we judge others based on those moments. Those judgments are natural and normal; however, I am much humbled by raising a child whose challenges cannot be understood in a snippet. I hope my judgments of others are much more understanding and open-minded as a result. In a snippet my child may appear to be entitled, disrespectful, and lazy. In another setting she may seem energetic, innovative, and bright. In a snippet I may seem nonchalant, unaware, or even like I agree with my child’s behavior. In another setting I may appear controlling, easy to anger, and frustrated. I am just doing my best, AS IS SHE.