I love Love and Logic parenting. If you haven’t ever read the book or taken a class, try it. It is great. It will always be my fallback parenting style. One of my takeaways from studying Love and Logic is that giving children choices empowers them. Sometimes, however, giving choices just isn’t empowering enough for some kids.
One of the defining characteristics of Aurora in her early years was grumpiness. Most kids are usually happy and grumpy sometimes. She was grumpy usually and happy occasionally. Every once in a while, I would see a glimmer of the soul that was truly her.
Bedtime.
“Time to head upstairs. Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you?” I said in my best Love and Logic voice.
“I don’t want to go upstairs,” replied three-year-old Aurora.
“I’m sorry to hear that. You can choose. Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you?” I calmly responded.
And just like that she went from calm to raging. “I AM NOT GOING UPSTAIRS!” she yelled.
“When you don’t choose it means I carry you,” I answered and picked her up.
Squirming, kicking, biting, scratching, hitting, yelling all the way Aurora did not for a second give up on her idea of NOT going to bed as I placed her in her room, closed her door, and locked it.
Huffing and puffing after the exertion, I said, “When you are ready to be nice, I will read a book to you and help you put on your pajamas.”
Twenty minutes later and Aurora was still screaming.
Twenty more minutes and I entered the room (she was still hollering, but no longer screaming). I picked up a book and some pajamas. She grabbed a different book and different pajamas and we set about preparing for bed.
Six months later. Bedtime.
“Time to head upstairs. Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you?” I said.
“I’m not going to bed tonight,” replied now four-year-old Aurora.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t make you sleep, but you do have to be in your room,” I retorted.
“Well, I’m an owl and owls are nocturnal. I will just sleep during the day, but at night I need to be outside in the trees and awake.”
“That’s a very good use of the word nocturnal. You still have to be in your room. Do you want to fly there or do you want me to carry you?”
“I’M NOT GOING TO BED!” and she was back to raging.
“When you don’t choose it means I carry you,” I said for the hundredth time.
And I carried the screeching owl up to bed.
Later that night.
“This isn’t working,” I said to my husband, Ike. “Giving choices doesn’t work for Aurora. She would rather not choose anything than give in and choose a choice that is presented by me.”
“We need to try something else,” he replied.
I began to suspect that there was something truly different around this time. What I mean is, I began to realize that her behavior was not just a phase, and that maybe she required some sort of interventional measures. Being different is fine. Being unable to control any emotions is not. Don’t get me wrong, I know most kids throw tantrums. I know some are just more difficult than others to understand. Part of me was still holding on to the belief that she would phase out of the intense, irrational screaming. But I was starting to look for new sources of wisdom, new ideas, and new ways to cope. We needed to try something else.
